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[18 Dec 2009|05:56am] |
My college student self says that tonight is going to be awesome.
My adult self says tonight is going to be stupid.
I can't decide which one should win the argument.
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| Dom Perignon and the Fizzing Familiar to Rich People |
[17 Dec 2009|12:56pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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I finally got a little sleep last night, but still woke up with the utmost hesitation. One of those mornings where you vaguely remember making several nonsensical jokes about body parts, and can't come up with anything you'd rather do than hide in a cave. This morning, I woke up remembering that I compared a penis to a banana and really could not understand why. Then, I asked John, and he said I also made awkward breast jokes. Oy. Embarrassing (sorry Quinn!). I haven't really done any drinking in awhile and apparently my tolerance is virtually nonexistent. I hope I wasn't a game night anatomically immature joke menace!
Other than that, last night was a lot of fun. I told John that I wanted to pick up some Champagne to toast Quinn's being graduated, and he came back with Dom Perignon. Quite honestly, I've never had a champagne worth more than $90 before (Sasan bought that bottle to kick off the loss of our virginities).
At some point before going to bed, I told him that he couldn't propose to me in Venice. He asked why not and I told him that I wanted it to be a surprise. So then he said, 'well okay. Then you need to tell me your ring size and we can figure that out.' Oh boy. I didn't tell him – I don't know. I wish he was sneakier, though. But I did tell him that I didn't want Mikey at my wedding, and then the conversation went downhill and I became a bit depressed about it. I sometimes feel like my relationship with John doesn't exist naturally in the world, since it feels like the people in his life don't care for me. It feels so uncomfortable. I don't know what I want and it all just seems daunting from the start. I want to be with him, though. Why does a wedding, which should be so wonderful, seem like it would just be a headache. Even from the start? No surprise about the proposal, or the ring (it would seem). He even said we could just go off to Vegas or something. That would be my worst nightmare. Ew. Gross.
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| Demonstrate! |
[16 Dec 2009|05:14pm] |
X-posted to: Kos Diaries
The anger we are feeling over the healthcare reform process is, today, palpable. I am only 24 years old but I can tell you that this month I am cynical about politics for the first time in my life. The thought that the institutional barriers to genuine healthcare reform in America - reform that guarantees all citizens access at affordable rates and saves lives - are so powerful that they withstand the will of more than 60 percent of Americans and a powerful Democratic presence in every branch of the federal government, is sickening.
Now the idea that we will likely be forced to buy insurance from companies that live to screw us is the last straw. I refuse to accept that another generation will die before we see genuine and substantial healthcare reform in America.
This is the kind of moment when we need to get off of our computers and demonstrate our anger in a public way. We know there are more of us than there are teabaggers, and we can make a bigger statement than they have made in light of all the glory and attention the fringe Right got this year. This is the time when we need to be setting up permanent picket lines around insurance offices, hospitals and state capitol buildings.
This is the time when we need to be posting lists of people who died when their coverage was denied on the insurance companies' front doors to shame them.
( Continue... )
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| Self Realization. |
[15 Dec 2009|09:17pm] |
One of my favorite parts of moving around a lot has been the ability to start over in every city - choosing a different scene or figuring out more what I want to be (and being it without any of the awkwardness of what I used to be).
The strangest part of moving to Grand Rapids is the knowledge that I will be staying here for a while. I have to be what I want to be for the long term, not having the crutch of how I'll be better in the next city.
And you know what?
It isn't scary at all. It's liberating.
I've signed up for rock climbing. I'm doing yoga every morning (even if I hate getting up at 6 to do it). I'm seriously considering signing up for the 10k training course they're doing on campus since I really do want to start running again. (I used to run 2 miles a day...then I went to college...)
I'm legitimately happy with who I am and who I'm becoming. Sure, paying back student loans sucks, but right now, my life as an adult is AWESOME.
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[15 Dec 2009|01:31am] |
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I'm wavering on my 7, but I think that's just because I didn't sleep last night and am a bit irritable because of it. Not a big deal at all and I'm actually doing quite alright. I just feel a bit off. But again, that's characteristic of sleep deprivation.
I'm actually still coherent, and I feel crazy!
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[14 Dec 2009|12:20am] |
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Awesome today, too. I'd give myself an 8.
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| Thoughts on God |
[13 Dec 2009|01:40pm] |
I think the course of my life has been to veer towards being increasingly agnostic. Whatever mechanism that people convince themselves that their own religions are "correct" doesn't work for me, nor does it make sense for someone to "choose to believe" a certain thing. To me, believing something isn't a statement that you like it or want to identify with it, it's a statement that you think it's true. But your own opinion has no influence on the greater universe. Can you say "I choose to believe there is sushi in the refrigerator" and by your belief have any influence over whether it's there or not? I say the same is true for religious doctrine.
( Continue... )
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| phone photos from last week |
[13 Dec 2009|01:35pm] |
This is a pretty cute thing to see greeting you when you show up later than usual to the barn on Saturday morning.
See?
The ~half hour of walk-trot work we did was clearly exhausting. Jesus, from this photo you'd think he was a carthorse who'd just been made to work for three days on end with no grain or something. Dramatic horse is dramatic!
(That is a full-size 18-inch seat dressage saddle up there btw. For scale.)
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| Nine Men with Nine Wives and Nine Wives with Nine Canines with Nine Deliberating Yo-yo Minds |
[12 Dec 2009|09:24pm] |
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mood |
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 9 |
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music |
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Chopin – Johnny |
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Today has been rather topsy turvy. But, I'd like to say that, right now, I'm so much in love with John. I'd give myself an unprecedented 9 for this moment, though I've dipped as low as a 5 today. But a 9...holy jesus!
I've just felt, all day, that things are going to happen for John and me in the future. That there is a future for us. And that that future involves John's proposing, followed by my acceptance, followed by navigating the remainder of our lives together, in a soubresaut vessel.
But really, it hasn't just been today. It's been this entire week. And really, before this week, for a majority of the time (dismissing the pesky doubt that's wedged itself between periods of confidence).
And I love him. And I love him. And I love him.
And the more he validates my feelings about our past, the more my heart bursts with him. And the more he confirms my belief that he's just a wonderful, intelligent, caring, loving, handsome, loyal, rational, sweet, cute, prudent, understanding man, the more I feel like I may climb to a 9 again.
I love him. I love him. And I love his playing the Moonlight Sonata right now. And I love that we cleaned all day. And I love that he looked at Jester (who was laying on the ground looking like a skewered hog) before and said, 'you're cute, but you're stinky.' And I love that he made a Freudian slip earlier (perhaps even purposefully) when he said, 'we have to figure this out if we're going to be mar-...in a relationship,' and then came and kissed me. And I love that I could chase him around the house this morning and jump on him, and that he said he loved it.
And so, I'm a 9, for the first time in such a long long time. Because, with my faults, - my stupid, stupid faults (directionally challenged, computer illiterate, inability to keep my dresser clean, etc.) – and his faults – his ridiculous and annoying faults (misusing words, computer application spendthrift, horrific at spelling, etc.) – we come out even and wind up both crazy and in love. Not necessarily at the same time, nor in that order.
So, 9 baby! Though, one thing on my mind: I want to tell him not to propose in Venice, because I want it to be a surprise. I know he'll kick himself for that and probably be quite upset, but it's a question that needs to be proposed with gusto, and I want it to "pop."
Ha....but I love him!
Also...I NEED to write Quinn back. Sorry Quinn! It's coming!
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[11 Dec 2009|01:21pm] |
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I forgot to say, I'm like a 5/6 today. I love John from afar, but I felt off toward him this morning. Irritable for no reason, and I could feel it, so I just stayed away from him. I wonder what the hell prompts all this. But 5/6 today, nevertheless.
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[11 Dec 2009|11:47am] |
I'm dying to jump back into who I used to be. Weird, though. College is over. How will this manifest now? Therapy (with the support of good friends) is getting me back on my feet, I think. At least a bit. And I am eager to see how it manifests.
I'm scared today, though. I'm spending an hour alone, driving with John's mother today. Advice from online:Don’t disagree with your mother-in-law, just say yes, okay, whatever. You will never be right and you will never win. Just agree and she will learn to tolerate you.
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| Alter-Me: Tasha Chaiken |
[10 Dec 2009|05:58pm] |
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Sometimes I want to die my hair light blue. But only if I had a perfect complexion. There's a part of me that would do that, pierce my nose, paint my nails, wear t-shirts that made feminist or animal rights statements, and would say whatever I truly felt in both a mordant and pertinent way, with complete confidence. I would be happy and okay with doing whatever I wanted to blow off some steam, responsibly and in moderation. This girl would be unafraid, very interested in literature, philosophy, psychology, and music, as well as kind to those who need her, fierce in defense of those who need her. She's my hero.
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| Fox News's Blatant Sexism |
[09 Dec 2009|06:07pm] |
Hmm.
So, according to this video clip, it's clear that Gretchen Carlson dumbs down just about everything she says on Fox and Friends, which is a perennial critique of American media, particularly of Fox. That is, at least, the case Jon Stewart poignantly makes on the Daily Show. In Stewart's file footage, Carlson pretends she doesn't know what a "double-dip recession" is, and looks up "czar" in the dictionary and is just totally shocked that it means "king."
Then Stewart uncovers that Carlson was valedictorian of her high school class and graduated with honors from Stanford University after designing her own degree there. She spent time studying in Oxford. Getting into Stanford is no cake walk, so either she got to where she was by grit and merit (an analysis I'm always willing to give the benefit of the doubt on), or it was unearned privilege from having wealthy parents. Either way she's not the airhead she pretends to be on TV.
I see in this something deeper, and more insidious, than what Jon Stewart saw, which is just a dumbing-down of rhetoric so that Joe the Plumber can get what you're saying. Fox isn't across-the-board turned-off by intelligence; they have Karl Rove and Neil Cavuto to appear as informed experts making the case for conservatism. On Fox and Friends, Carlson often plays the coy and curious muse of her two colleagues, Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade, who tell her what's up on a regular basis. The difference between Gretchen Carlson and the "smarter" Fox figures is that she's a woman.
Come to think of it, isn't this exactly what every high school cheerleader in America is expected to do? You gotta play dumb so the boys want you. They don't want blonde girls around for their witty banter, they want a pretty face and tits.
What John Stewart didn't touch was the blatantly sexist element of Fox's programming. Gretchen Carlson could thoroughly outclass the other two dunces on that program, but has to dumb herself down and let the boys lead the conversation because this is what conservative Fox viewers want; an intellectually submissive girl.
It's totally insulting. Can anyone imagine Norah O'Donnel or Rachael Maddow playing dumb perennially on a news program?
Actually, the feminist critique seems like a good way to pry off the fairly robust rhetorical advantage Fox News has with exurban America. Perhaps the station "speaks their language" and taps into a deep-seated (and justifiable) resentment of academia, and the economic privilege that it is wrought with, often serving simply to ensure that people who grew up in wealth are set up to look smart and continue being wealthy. But Middle America is still at least 50% female, and Fox and Friends is clearly demoralizing to women.
Conservatives made feminism legitimate when they attacked criticism of Sarah Palin as "sexist," particularly when they lamented how the McCain campaign "controlled" her to her image's detriment. How can they now defend the message they are sending another message to women, that they must be the followers, not the leaders (even when they are smart enough to reverse that role) on their popular morning program?
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[08 Dec 2009|10:37am] |
Ah yes, something else I thought of about Whitney:
John's told me about how much she likes "cock" several times in the first year of our dating. He's also made several mentions of how gigantic her breasts are (at least, though, he had said how he wasn't a "breast" guy).
I'm so turned off by her, especially in relation to him and all of those people. Great.
I was an 8 at the beginning of the day. I'm sinking now. But in perspective...one of their "group" just died, so sure they miss one another. I just want to stay away. Ugh.
I wish this didn't have to be my focus in therapy tonight.
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[08 Dec 2009|10:09am] |
I'm fairly conflicted at the moment, though said conflict hasn't affected my love for John this time. Last night was wonderful together and this morning was great, up until I went to use John's phone and saw that John had written Whitney a text saying, "I miss you, too." I have a ton of feelings about Whitney and John. Needless to say, I was unenthused.
• At the beginning of our relationship, John made disgusting jokes with her in front of me, some so dirty that I'd never heard them before but caught on pretty quickly, i.e. "pearl necklace" jokes.
• John told me that Whitney tried to kiss him before
• Whitney has been present for so many fights between John and me and would call me to see what happened, then say she "didn't want to get in the middle" when I tried to tell her how I felt.
• None of John's roommates ever wanted to include me in things, but had to for certain stupid drinking games. They all became excited when Whitney showed up and she'd eagerly take my place and I'd be ignored the rest of the night. Every time she came over. No exceptions.
• She and John used to text one another private jokes just between the two of them, some of them sexual.
• She would come over with her boyfriend and then she and John would only talk about things and people the two of them knew, excluding both me and her boyfriend.
• She's come in to "spy" on my friends and I talking in the restaurant bathroom, and reported back to John things she didn't even know about
• She and John used to talk about drugs constantly in front of me when I wasn't comfortable with the topic.
• John's mother once asked why she didn't come around anymore when I was at their house, on one of the many occasions that his parents were completely uninviting.
I'm sure I could think of more. Anyhow, I told him immediately (I wasn't snooping; it was just on his phone when I went to call work on it) that he could "hang out with Whitney, if he really wanted to." At that point, he blew up at me and said I was taking everything out of context and insinuating things.
I started getting ready for work and took a shower, during which I scratched my itchy back (I'm putting this in here for a reason). I came out and he said goodbye – one of his fake ones where he wants to see if I'm going to stop him (I never do). Then came back and blew up at me again, saying he's a good boyfriend and that I don't make his decisions for him, he does. Then he went back and forth about things, like usual, confusing issues. But he had a few things that he says, the key irritants:
• I have to get ahold of my jealousy
• Now he knows that no matter who it is, I'll never be okay with him having a female friend
• I'm the reason he doesn't hang out with his group of friends anymore
• Not hanging out with his group of friends doesn't have to do with me (see the last bullet if you need to figure out why you're confused)
• He saw the "claw marks" on my back...(to which I responded "claw marks?" and he gave me a knowing look.) (seriously?! That's disturbing)
I'll probably think of more key points later.
But it ended with my wanting to be alone after apologizing for looking at his phone, saying that I won't tell him that he "can" or "cannot" do something again, telling him that I don't talk to him about how I feel in regard to his friends because I don't want to get in the way.
I feel so weird right now. I love him, but I want to disappear. I hate his friends
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[07 Dec 2009|09:13am] |
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8 |
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music |
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The Lucky One – Au Revoir Simone |
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I'm feeling alright again. Last night, John and I got into a tough spot – I think he was just frustrated that he couldn't be comforted; everything I said was wrong, then he got mad at me for talking and said that he just wanted me to listen, then told me he didn't actually want that. He finally became too upset and got up to leave the kitchen, where I'd made tea for us. We ended up in the hallway and I hugged him, to which he said, "This is all I really wanted."
He's at the funeral now. It's snowing. I suppose I'll see him around 1; it seems as though I'm excused from work whenever it's snowing. I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
I feel alright again today, though. I've been reading Newser since John left. Thus far, Tiger Woods likes rough sex with just about anyone and to "sext" about this rough sex, protesting Copenhagen prostitutes are offering Summit delegates freebies, descendants of cannibals are contrite, and Palin is "scarified" of Asian people.
I'd give myself an 8 for my mood. I'm doing pretty well, but am trying not to over-analyze the reasons behind it.
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| Reality – Trumbiniks make for Zany Picnics |
[06 Dec 2009|08:30pm] |
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8 |
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Things You Call Fate – Sondre Lerche |
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It's ridiculous how hard it is, 50% of the time, to understand and appreciate what I have with John. I wish I could concrete it in my mind. I constantly look for ways to discredit everything he does that would otherwise impress or please me. It's become more apparent to me lately and I've started to call myself out on the absurdity of it all – I found myself writing off his eight successive boggle wins as "lucky," and the impressive words he found (one of which was "supine") as "nice guesses."
I want that to go away. That part of me that is so obnoxious. That part which jumps on every word he uses incorrectly or rolls its eyes when he misspeaks. That part of me that denies his cognitive ability because he's only just now learning how to verbally express himself. The part of me that is convinced that he needs me to breathe down his neck, or else he'd never further himself intellectually (especially when he's the one who is obsessed with having a huge classical music library, is infatuated with word games, and gets excited about his drive to work because he can listen to auditory books).
While it seems that my feelings toward him are incredibly unstable, our day-to-day dynamic is comfortable and loving. We can talk to one another and laugh, hold one another and sleep, work happily beside one another for hours and not talk. We're there for one another.
Sometimes, I see him as being so childish. Then, at times, I see that I can be so childish myself. There are some moments when it hits me, usually our cheeks are pressed to pillows and we're looking at one another, that we're like playmates; at those times, I want to travel the world with him and/or run off with him, hand-in-hand, mischievous and thrilled to have found another trumbinik like me.
Nothing else seems to matter when I can see the world this way. How can I make this reality stick?
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| Of Arabica Seas and Salacious Headaches: A Hushed and Bemused Manifesto |
[06 Dec 2009|11:01am] |
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7 |
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music |
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silence - contrary to belief, it is soundless |
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I went to bed with a headache and woke up four hours later because the pain was so terrible that I felt like throwing up. Took a steamy shower to get some relief, stepped out, then actually threw up. After brushing my teeth, I laid in bed, which made my head throb, but nonetheless couldn't stop thinking about all the sexual potentialities of my contorted body position. The throbbing overthrew my prurient thoughts and I rushed to the bathroom to throw up again. While brushing my teeth a second time – a bit disturbed by the softness and wetness of freshly-used toothbrush bristles – John's agonizingly sleepy voice called out to me from the pillow submerging his face; he wanted to know if I was alright. I groaned, walked back to the bed, laid down with my head at its foot and a little voice in the back of my head bawdily observed that I could be very alluring from that angle, and that if John's caveman homing device prevailed over his sleepiness, he'd be privy to what Neil Simon called "the Golden Palace of the Himalayas." I shifted slightly to help him out a bit and for a split-second, flattered myself by considering that the way in which my towel draped over my lower-body made me look like the subject of a Botticelli painting. I craned my neck to see if he was thinking that I looked like the subject of a Botticelli painting, too. His face was still smushed into the pillow, while moving my neck had inspired a tidal wave of pain to surge from the base of my cranium and break at its top, enveloping it. So I rolled out of bed, threw on whatever clothes were most easily accessible, and brewed some mud-thick coffee. I need to make a second pot now, but at least the pain is tolerable.
So far today, I feel alright emotionally and mentally. I'd give myself a 7, since I'm not necessarily delighted by the world. Plus, even my better moments are tainted by a sense of impending doom, a sense of my happiness's or contentedness's ephemeral quality; I've learned not to trust any pretense to emotional stability. But, a 7 is pretty good for today
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